Four Reasons Men Won't Approach Women First

Four Reasons Men Won't Approach Women First

You know the story. You belly up to a bar and some girl starts making eye contact with you. Maybe she smiles, maybe she looks away, maybe she plays with her hair. Either way, she noticed you.

What do you do?

Here are four reasons why you hesitate to approach her first:

1. Fear of Rejection

That old ego getting in the way. You're afraid of taking the L and scared of how it's going to make you feel – scared of what she and others will think about you.

The saddest part of this all-too-common fear is that it confirms the very test she's putting you through. The reason she's looking at you is to see how big your kahunas are; how confident you are at making an introduction; how much rizz you have.

And how little you care what other people think about you.

She wouldn't care if you came up and spoke to her despite your fears. She knows everyone has them, and she'd likely be willing to give you a pass so long as you overcome them to make an effort. The only time she won't give you a pass is if she's a hard woman who likes aggressive men.

That being said, put yourself in her shoes. If she's pretty, chances are she's been approached before. If that's the case, she's already comparing you to these men. They may have had more or less confidence than you, and you will end up somewhere on that mental scale of hers.

That's the litmus test she's putting you on from the moment she looks at you. And you only have two ways to respond.

  1. Wait for her to make a move
  2. Make the first move

If you choose #1 your chances are slim that she'll make a move. This one usually only works if a woman feels hypergamy with you – like you're a 9 and she's a 7.

Yes, it has happened from time to time. I've had women stop me on my way out of bars just to give me their number, but it wasn't because I was making eye contact with them. They had me in their sights the whole time. Or, they'll send a friend over to scope you out and let you know she's interested – but this rarely happens, and only works if you haven't made solid eye contact.

If you decide to make the first move, the only thing you have to worry about is worry itself. Keep these five things in mind to boost your confidence before you head over.

  1. Keep your body language comfortable, relaxed, and secure. Make sure you're facing her, and always take a position of leverage. Squeeze in so that you can lean against the bar if you approach her. If she comes to you, turn to face her in your barstool, lean back, and relax.
  2. Make your intentions known. Let her know what you were thinking. Honesty is comfortable, and you don't have to be a pickup artist.
  3. Be funny if it comes naturally. You can tease her to break the ice. Say something as simple as "I saw you checking me out over there," with a cheeky grin. It sets the tone of why you're there talking to her in the first place.
  4. If the bar is too noisy and the vibe is strong, ask her for a walk. Take her for ice cream next door, a walk down the boardwalk, the beach, or wherever seems appropriate. If she wants to stay, buy another drink and keep the conversation flowing.
  5. End on a high note. Whatever you do, don't drag on and on. Get her number and set something up for later. She'll appreciate you letting her get back to her friends so that she can gossip all about you. She'll also respect that your time is valuable.

You don't need to memorize one-liners. Just be genuine. Keep in mind that a full-time man knows what he wants. Her eye contact is simply an invitation for you to get to know her and whether or not she could serve your purpose as a full-time man.

2. Anxiety about What to Say

I learned something a long time ago from a clip of Jordan Peterson, just to give credit where credit is due. It has changed my perception of confidence ever since.

A confident man is defined by his thoughts when he walks into a room full of people. He could be at a bar, a company meeting, or giving a speech to an audience. It doesn't matter where he is. The confident man thinks one thing:

"How can I put everyone here at ease."

The anxious man is also only concerned with one thing:

"What does everyone think of me?"

Alleviating this anxiety can take time, but it starts with accepting and liking who you are in Christ, first. If you don't like your own identity, you can't expect others to like it either. What you think of yourself is the projection you'll make on a room.

What does this have to do with being anxious about what to say?

You never have to know what to say. You just need to be more interested in someone else and their feelings than being trapped in your own head. The moment you care more about sincerely getting to know the woman at the bar is the moment you'll realize that your anxiety is as useless as a rocking chair.

Read that again ☝

3. Indecision on Attraction

A woman's level of attractiveness is so overrated when it comes to rizz. I've always advocated for rizzing everyone. Grannies, middies, baddies, even dudes. No, not because you're gay, but because charisma is a gift to put people at ease. It's a great way to make connections and make others feel good about themselves.

Most men suffer from one of two problems when facing indecision about a woman's attractiveness.

  1. Their minds are corrupted by the deception of pornography or social media
  2. They think too highly of themselves.

Yes, porn and social media is destroying our perception of attraction and our physiological ability to attract mates and pair bond. Consider that when you're sitting there at the bar thinking: "Nah, I'll just go home later and have fun with myself watching someone prettier."

That's a simp's excuse for not having the balls to approach a woman. Yes, your balls are literally getting weaker. Without your porn addiction depleting your testosterone you would have likely found her attractive.

All women have something attractive about them. I've dated slender, beautiful model types, and I've dated chubby single moms with stretch marks. You can find something attractive about anyone, trust me. And the more you exercise your ability to interact with women of all types the closer you'll get to finding someone special.

Approach women for reasons other than just looks. Remember, this is all about finding someone to serve your purpose, and often your filters are blurred by your bad habits.

4. Situational Circumstances

This is really just a consolation. If you aren't approaching a woman for one of the reasons above, you're using this as a cop-out. Maybe the bar is too loud, you don't want to be rude to the company of friends you're with, or some other reason.

The truth is that if a woman is attractive to you and wants you to approach her, you'll know it. Not every approach has to be a W, nor a first date. Think of it like the real-life version of swiping right on someone. Boom! It's a match. What's next?

Situational inhibitions can lead to great first meetings because it forces them to be brief. Here's what you do:

  • Excuse yourself respectfully from whatever commitment you have, momentarily.
  • Approach the woman with confidence and let her know you noticed her.
  • Let her know that you don't want to be rude or disrespectful to the party you're with.
  • Ask for a few details to show interest, then request her number to connect later.

That's it. Give her a gentle goodbye and head back. How hard is that?

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